Why are elevators so awkward? Are we ever going to talk about that? Millions of Americans have sex every night with a new tinder match yet nobody can say a simple “hello” in an elevator. I’m guilty of it, you’re guilty of it. Why don’t we say anything?! I’ve recently discussed elevator awkwardness with people and some try to blame it on covid and although the average elevator is only 3” wide by 4” deep AND we’re supposed to be maintaining a social distance of 6’ (DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT) there’s no denying that the tension in elevators between strangers dates WAYYY back. Probably about the time elevators were first invented which was 1880 for those of you who like to learn something new everyday (yes I googled that). The Einstein era was when elevators were invented and for the smartest man in the world I’m willing to bet he couldn’t figure out what to say in an elevator. 

Believe me I am sure there are a million different rants to be said about elevators. Things to ask yourself such as where should I stare at for the next thirty seconds? Why is there a screaming kid? If by chance there is a conversation struck up what happens if it dies within the two minutes we’re here and things get even more awkward than if nothing was said at all?! Just the thought of getting stuck on a broken down elevator brings goosebumps to my skin. 

And you know what the worst part is? The nightmare doesn’t end there. Up until tonight I was almost certain that elevator etiquette was universal. You know, when the elevator reaches a floor those inside the elevator exit before new people enter. Not only that, those who are waiting for the elevator should stand back (ESPECIALLY DURING A PANDEMIC) to wait and see if anyone is exiting before entering. Nope. I was wrong. Riding up the elevator from my campus parking garage as I reach my floor the door opens and I am presented with what seemed like an army of dark roots bleached blonde hair cookie cutter college girls who are getting on the elevator as soon as the door opens. Claustrophobia doesn’t help in a scenario such as this so I walk toward the army (more like 7 or 8 girls) and force a path for me to exit. One of the girls in the group had the audacity to say “Damn she must be jealous of us or something.” 

I am not the type to cause confrontation but this really bothered me because at the end of the day why would I be jealous of someone who does not know elevator etiquette? Or how to upkeep their roots? Silly girls. I’m taking the stairs from now on.