Last night, after a scan of the listings, I decided there was nothing on TV worth watching. So I decided instead to conjure a cadre of notable literary figures–living and dead– to ask them the following question:
If the gods of letters charged you with the task of writing Donald Trump’s biography, what would the title be? After a collective sigh and groan, here are the answers they mustered, my favorite one first. After that, take your pick:

W.S. Gilbert (after a short hiatus from Sullivan): Inanity, Insanity, Inhumanity, Vanity, Profanity, Volcanity, Mundanity, and–God Help Us– Hannity. (Oh, And Let Us Not Forget, Indifference to the Fate of the Manatee).

 Dostoyoevsky:    The Uge Idiot

Hemingway:  The Old Man and the Pee

Thomas Mann:  Disorder and Early Psoriasis

John Updike:  Rabid Run

Wiilliam Shakespeare: A Comity of Errors

Ian Fleming:  To Russia with Kinky Love

Robert Sherwood:  Idiot’s Delete

William Styron:  Sophist’s Choice

Albert Camus:  Stranger and Stranger and Stranger

John Le Carre:  The Russia Houseboy

Steven Sondheim:  Follicles

Charles Dickens:  Great Expectations, Crappy Culminations

Jane Austen:  False Pride and Racial Prejudice

Thomas Hardy: Far-Right from the Mad Crowd

Herman Melville:  He Be Dick

Alan Paton:  Lie to the Beloved Country

John Grisham:  The Kink of Tarts

Nora Roberts: The Big, Big, Big Liar

Ken Follett:  Horny Flight 

Philip Roth:  The Bad Plot Against America

Ingmar Bergman:  Lies and Whimpers

Gustav Flaubert:  Grabbing Madame’s Ovaries

Buddy DeSylva:  April Golden Showers

Cole Porter: Be an Assclown

The Beatles: I Never Want to Hold Your Tiny Hand

Bob Dylan:  Forever Immature

Oscar Hammerstein:  The Sound of Mucus

Lorenz Hart:  The Lady is a Trump Victim

Lornz Hart:  Have You Met Mr. Jones? (Alex, That Is.)

Harold Pinter:  The Last  Crappy Tape

Nathaniel Hawthorne: The House of Seven Imaginary Floors

Ian McEwan:  Atonement?  Never!

IanMcEwan:  Solar?  No Way!

Kurt Vonnebut:  Pussies’ Cradle

Graham Greene:  The Ministry of Fear Mongering

Raymond Chandler:  The Big Sleepwalker

Mickey Spillane:  I, the Judge and Jury

Don DiLillo:  White, Noisy

Nick Hornby:  About a Boy in an Old Man’s Body

Jane Smiley:  Golden Shower Age

Joyce Carol Oates:  Man, Crazy

Margaret Atwood:  The Robber’s Bribe

Annie Proulx:  Brietbart Mountain

Anne Perry: A Breach of Promise After Promise after Promise..,

Arthur Miller:  Breadth of a Salesman (44” waist?)

Tennessee Williams:  The Crass Managerial

Tom Stoppard:  Travesties, Travesties, Travesties

Harold Pinter:   The Tea Party Animal

Harold Pinter:  Crappy Last Tape

David Hare:  Knucklehead

David Mamet;  Sexual Perversity in Chicago, New York, Hollywood, Miami, Washington D.C. and Elsewhere, Especially Moscow

John Kenneth Galbraith:  No Perspectives on Conservation

Elmore Leonard:  Pussy Chaser

Carl Hiassen: Skinny Dick

T.S. Eliot:  The Waistland: About 50 Inches

Steig Larssen:  The Man Who Hates Women

Dostoevsky:  Crime and No Punishment

Homer: The Oddity

Arthur Miller: All My idiot Sons

J

William Styron:  Sophist’s Choice

John Grisham:  The Kink of Tarts

Nora Roberts: The Big, Big, Big Liar

Ken Follett:  Horny Flight 

Philip Roth:  The Bad Plot Against America

Ingmar Bergman:  Lies and Whimpers

Gustav Flaubert:  Grabbing Madame’s Ovaries

Buddy DeSylva:  April Golden Showers

Cole Porter: Be an Assclown

The Beatles: I Never Want to Hold Your Tiny Hand

Bob Dylan:  Forever Immature

Oscar Hammerstein:  The Sound of Mucus

Lorenz Hart:  The Lady is a Trump Victim

Lornenz Hart:  Have You Met Mr. Jones? (Alex, That Is.)

Harold Pinter:  The Last  Crappy Tape

Nathaniel Hawthorne: The House of Seven Imaginary Floors

Ian McEwan:  Atonement?  Never!

IanMcEwan:  Solar?  No Way!

Kurt Vonnebut:  Pussies’ Cradle

Graham Greene:  The Ministry of Fear Mongering

Raymond Chandler:  The Big Sleepwalker

Mickey Spillane:  I, the Judge and Jury

Don DiLillo:  White, Noisy

Jane Smiley:  Golden Shower Age

Joyce Carol Oates:  Man, Crazy

Margaret Atwood:  The Robber’s Bribe

Annie Proulx:  Brietbart Mountain

Anne Perry: A Breach of Promise After Promise after Promise..,

Arthur Miller:  Breadth of a Salesman (44” waist?)

Tom Stoppard:  Travesties, Travesties, Travesties

Harold Pinter:   The Tea Party Animal

Harold Pinter:  Crappy Last Tape

David Hare:  Knucklehead

John Kenneth Galbraith:  No Perspectives on Conservation

Elmore Leonard:  Pussy Chaser

Carl Hiassen: Skinny Dick

T.S. Eliot:  The Waistland: About 50 Inches

Steig Larssen:  The Man Who Hates Women

Anonymous: Donald and the Oaf Keepers

NOTE: If I’ve repeated myself the titles, too bad. There’s a Bulls’ game on TV soon, and, if I indulge in any copy editing, I’ll miss the tip-off. Sorry.