Imaginary Trump Biographies, Chapter 2
Again, not much on TV tonight, so I’ve once again decided to summon some famous living writers and exhume some dead ones in order ask them what they’d title their Donald Trump biographies if they should be nuts enough to embark on such a staggering challenge, though I’m somewhat inclined to think they’d be disinclined to do so. Have I made myself clear?
This chapter, though, I’m tilting a bit more toward some authors less highbrow, lest some readers suspect me of belonging to America’s most reviled minority, the Intellectual. So you’ll spot a few scribblers like Tin Pan Alley versifiers, cinema dramatists, etc.
I’m conjecturing that Chapter One must have displeased some Trump Chumps, so I feel inspired to footslog on with even more verve. Hence: here. by unpopular demand, comes ChapterTwo:
Groucho Marx et al: A Day at the Racist’s
Paul McCartney: Ivanka Hold Your Hind
Ted Koehler/Harold Arlen: Stormy, Whether or Not
Alan Jay Lerner: Scam A Lot
Irving Berlin: Putin on the Fritz
Yip Harburg: We’re Off to See the Lizard
Kobe Bryant: A Leak of Our Own
Brian Keane: The Fatness Mindset
Vin Deisel: Fat and Furious
Judd Apatow: The Four Year Disengagement
Woody Allen: Take the Money and Run For President
Woody Allen: Any Haul
Frank Loesser/Gene Autry: I’ve Got Bone Spurs That Jingle Jangle Jingle
George S. Kaufman: You Can’t Take It, Can You?
Ira Gershwin: Of Thee I Sink
Wes Craven: Fraudy Krueger
Rod Serling: The Toilet Zone
The 1964 Copywriting Staff at Doyle, Dane, Bernbach: Who Put the “Trump” in “Strumpet”? (The Stormy Daniels version)
(Now comes the highbrow stuff)
William Shakespeare: Ass, You Like It
Ivan Tugenev: Fathers and Sins
Voltaire: Con Deeds
Noel Coward: Privatized Lives
Marcel Proust: Remembrance of Things Pissed
Charles Darwin: The Orangin’ of Species
Edgar Allen Poe: The Craven (The Bone-Spur Saga)
Edgar Allen Poe: The Piss and the Pendulous
Henry Roth: Call It Slop (The Donald Trump Diet Book)
Don Dilillo: White Noisiness
Richard Ford: The Lays of the Land
Martin Amis: The Disinformation
Iris Murdoch: A Fairly Dishonorable Defeat
William Shakespeare: Orange Julius Caesar
Emily Bronte: Withering Height
Adam Smith: The Stealth of Urinations
Harriet Beecher Stowe: Sinnin’ LeGreed
E.L. Doctorow: Rigged Time
Oops, gotta go. TV’s most hilarious farce in on in five minutes, viz. Tucker Carlson. In fact, I was thinking about asking Tucker to write an imaginary Trump bio, but I discovered, upon investigation at arrant piffle.com, that the rumor might be true, i.e. old-money bow-tie notwithstanding,Tucker, like his hero, is wobbling on the margins of illiteracy.
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