Again, not much on TV tonight, so I’ve once again decided to summon some famous living writers and exhume some dead ones in order ask them what they’d title their Donald Trump biographies if they should be nuts enough to embark on such a staggering challenge, though I’m somewhat inclined to think they’d be disinclined to do so. Have I made myself clear?

This chapter, though, I’m tilting a bit more toward some authors less highbrow, lest some readers suspect me of belonging to America’s most reviled minority, the Intellectual. So you’ll spot a few scribblers like Tin Pan Alley versifiers, cinema dramatists, etc.

I’m conjecturing that Chapter One must have displeased some Trump Chumps, so I feel inspired to footslog on with even more verve. Hence: here. by unpopular demand, comes ChapterTwo:

Groucho Marx et al: A Day at the Racist’s

Paul McCartney: Ivanka Hold Your Hind

Ted Koehler/Harold Arlen: Stormy, Whether or Not

Alan Jay Lerner: Scam A Lot

Irving Berlin: Putin on the Fritz

Yip Harburg: We’re Off to See the Lizard

Kobe Bryant: A Leak of Our Own

Brian Keane: The Fatness Mindset

Vin Deisel: Fat and Furious

Judd Apatow: The Four Year Disengagement

Woody Allen: Take the Money and Run For President

Woody Allen: Any Haul

Frank Loesser/Gene Autry: I’ve Got Bone Spurs That Jingle Jangle Jingle

George S. Kaufman: You Can’t Take It, Can You?

Ira Gershwin: Of Thee I Sink

Wes Craven: Fraudy Krueger

Rod Serling: The Toilet Zone

The 1964 Copywriting Staff at Doyle, Dane, Bernbach: Who Put the “Trump” in “Strumpet”? (The Stormy Daniels version)

(Now comes the highbrow stuff)

William Shakespeare: Ass, You Like It

Ivan Tugenev: Fathers and Sins

Voltaire: Con Deeds

Noel Coward: Privatized Lives

Marcel Proust: Remembrance of Things Pissed

Charles Darwin: The Orangin’ of Species

Edgar Allen Poe: The Craven (The Bone-Spur Saga)

Edgar Allen Poe: The Piss and the Pendulous

Henry Roth: Call It Slop (The Donald Trump Diet Book)

Don Dilillo: White Noisiness

Richard Ford: The Lays of the Land

Martin Amis: The Disinformation

Iris Murdoch: A Fairly Dishonorable Defeat

William Shakespeare: Orange Julius Caesar

Emily Bronte: Withering Height

Adam Smith: The Stealth of Urinations

Harriet Beecher Stowe: Sinnin’ LeGreed

E.L. Doctorow: Rigged Time

Oops, gotta go. TV’s most hilarious farce in on in five minutes, viz. Tucker Carlson. In fact, I was thinking about asking Tucker to write an imaginary Trump bio, but I discovered, upon investigation at arrant piffle.com, that the rumor might be true, i.e. old-money bow-tie notwithstanding,Tucker, like his hero, is wobbling on the margins of illiteracy.