Is there anything an elderly person dreads more than going into a nursing home?

Is there anything that makes a son or a daughter feel worse than placing an elderly parent in a nursing home?

My mother will be moved into nursing care at Our Lady of Angels in Joliet next week. She needs more skilled care than her assisted living residence is able to provide. 

During the 28 months Mom has been in assisted living, I’ve thought about her keeping Grandma at home for 17 years. Doesn’t Mom also deserve to live out her life with one of her children? But unlike Mom, Grandma required no help with walking, dressing, bathing, or toileting. Getting Mom out of the recliner and into the wheelchair takes two or more nursing assistants and hurts her so much she yelps. 

Back when we moved Mom and Dad into assisted living, it did not seem like a dereliction of our duty. They were still healthy enough to enjoy a senior residence’s shared meals and activities while having privacy in a one-bedroom apartment. Mom entered needing help only with medication and showers, the lowest care level, and Dad needed no help at all. Ironically, he was the first to die, only four months later, after a bout of pneumonia and a probable heart attack. 

For the next year and a half Mom remained at care level 1, getting around with her walker and taking part in activities. Then she fell last summer and has declined rapidly. Since returning from rehab she has been at the residence’s highest care level, but it’s not high enough.  

Mom took the news of the move calmly. Rick and Pat, who broke it to her, stressed that she would be safer, more closely watched. There would be mechanical equipment to help her get up. Since it’s a Catholic facility, she could go to Mass daily. We hope that Mom will remain accepting once she realizes that she left a three-room apartment for a bedroom. 

I’d always thought mom would expect to live with one of her offspring because Grandma lived with her, but thankfully, Mom hasn’t guilt-tripped us. Also thankfully, our guilt level is low because we know that we have no option other than skilled nursing. It also helps to know that Our Lady of Angels does not fit the stereotype of a smelly, overcrowded, abusive, and gloomy nursing home. Medicare gives it a five-star rating. It’s where Dad’s two sisters spent their last years happily. 

Since Mom doesn’t walk anymore, she might feel her life hasn’t changed much. I hope so. Our roles won’t change. We will visit frequently, my nearby brother almost daily. 

On Friday and Saturday we will celebrate a final Christmas in Mom’s apartment, which we decorated after Thanksgiving. I’m praying that it can be an upbeat time.